Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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