youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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