Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize