My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
