I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
