I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
