Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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