Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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