and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I have vodka in my lungs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
