I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
