just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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