No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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