I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
