ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
