I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
