My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
