You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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