My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
