sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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