i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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