this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
