I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
