Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Two words: blizzard sex
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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