Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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