Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How external is "for external use only"?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
