yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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