You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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