good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
