Where are you?
In a non slutty way
That's intense
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
