Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
