Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
