your room smells of hookers.
And success
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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