all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
