My hand turned me down
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
