i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
