we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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