I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize