I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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