just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
