Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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