hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Everclear isn't food dammit
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
