I look better un-naked...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize