Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
