you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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