you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it glows. i had to have it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
