Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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