I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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