I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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