Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Randomize
