Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
