The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
