Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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