The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
