ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
