I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
