sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
