I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
