Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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