I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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